the great (un)british bake-off - toast_ghost (2024)

THE BAKERS' TENT - 8:00 AM

The camera pans over a tent and its surrounding fields. Then it zooms into two people, Grian and Mumbo, who are standing at the front of the tent.

GRIAN

Welcome back, folks, we’re here for another season of your favorite show: The Great British Bake-Off!

MUMBO

I do believe that Great British Bake-Off is a bit of a misnomer this time, isn't it?

GRIAN

That’s right, Mumbo, this season is going to be a little more interesting than usual. Let’s introduce our contestants!

The camera swings over to a line of people. Standing the closest is a blond, middle-aged man who grins and waves.

PHIL

Hey, mate.

GRIAN

Phil, Phil, Phil. You’ve been on this show before, haven’t you?

PHIL

Yep.

GRIAN

And tell me, how did that go?

PHIL

Well, I think it went alright. I just don’t think the judges were prepared for my innovation.

MUMBO

If I remember correctly, Phil, the problem last time wasn’t necessarily with the flavors, right? It was more of a textural issue?

PHIL

Well, yeah. Those things have got to be rock solid to last. My baked treats are multifunctional, tasty and good to have in a survival situation!

MUMBO

Ah. I wish you the best of luck, Phil.

GRIAN

Moving on, I see you’ve brought a friend this time. Technoblade, do you have anything to say?

TECHNOBLADE

Uhhhh…….

No one speaks for ten seconds. Technoblade avoids looking at the camera.

GRIAN

And our next contestant, someone who’s a bit younger than we’d usually find on this show! How are you, Tommy?

TOMMY

I’m going to crush everyone here like an insect. Aw, but insects are nice, aren’t they? I wouldn’t want to crush an insect. Maybe, like, a bag of crisps. Yeah, I’ll crush everyone like a bag of crisps!

He flexes both arms.

GRIAN

That’s the kind of energy we like to see! Next to Tommy, we have his friends!

TUBBO

Hello!

He nudges the person standing next to his left.

RANBOO

Oh! Um, hi!

MUMBO

If I remember correctly, you all go to the same high school, do you?

TUBBO

Oh, yeah. Well, Boo’s just an exchange student, but we roped him into signing up with us.

GRIAN

Do you have any baking experience?

TUBBO

I tried making a pancake once and it fell on the floor.

RANBOO

I made a cake that can kill God.

TUBBO

That counts, right?

MUMBO

Well, I’m sure you’ll all do great.

GRIAN

That’s our first five contestants! What a variety we have already, right, Mumbo?

MUMBO

You could say that.

GRIAN

We’ll be right back after the first challenge.

THE BAKERS' TENT - 8:30 AM

Grian and Mumbo approach the station of two contestants, Phil and Technoblade. Phil is pouring a ziploc bag of pine nuts into a bowl, with two other ziploc bags of maple seeds and acorns next to him. Technoblade stands beside him, arms crossed and a bored expression on his face.

GRIAN

Oh, it’s Phil! And Technoblade, can I call you Tech?

PHIL

Hey, mate.

TECHNOBLADE

Uh, yep.

GRIAN

Yes!

MUMBO

So! Can either of you tell us a little bit about what we should be expecting today?

TECHNOBLADE

Birdseed.

GRIAN

Oh, I like where this is going.

MUMBO

Come again?

PHIL

He’s joking! It's not birdseed.

TECHNOBLADE

This time.

PHIL

Techno and I, we have this friend who’s actually really good at baking. She gave us the recipes we’re making today, but we made some changes.

MUMBO

A friend?

PHIL

Yep! Her name's Niki. We were trying to get her in, but when she saw who else signed up she decided not to join. Which is a shame, because she makes the best baked goods.

TECHNOBLADE

It was kinda weird. She just wished us luck and walked away really fast.

PHIL

I don't blame her. Have you seen what the other contestants are making?

TECHNOBLADE

For the sake of my sanity, I don’t think I should.

MUMBO

Now, I can’t help but notice that the recipe you two submitted seemed rather…

GRIAN

Delicious.

MUMBO

I do not want to know. I do not want to know.

Mumbo sighs.

MUMBO

Now, would you mind explaining to us what part of your recipe requires baking? I know baking’s a bit of a loose term this season, but we do expect the oven to be turned on at least once.

PHIL

Oh! Techno, can you turn the oven on?

TECHNOBLADE

How much?

PHIL

Uh... Two?

He gives the camera a thumbs-up. Techno bends down to the oven display and starts pressing buttons, seemingly at random.

MUMBO

Thanks, mate.

MUMBO

Are you planning on using it, then?

PHIL

You just said I needed to have it on, right?

MUMBO

You’re right. I did say that.

No one speaks for ten seconds. Phil returns to mixing his bowl. Techno has sat on the ground in front of the oven and stares at it as it heats up.

MUMBO

Well, alright then, I hope your… birdseed—

PHIL

Seed cake.

MUMBO

—seed cake comes along. Come on then, Grian, we’ve got a lot of contestants to get through.

GRIAN

Mumbo, do you think we’ll get a chance to try these?

MUMBO

You know, I’m really not quite sure I want to, Grian.

GRIAN

Aw.

THE BAKERS' TENT - 9:00 AM

Grian and Mumbo stand in front of Ranboo and Tubbo's station. The table is covered in flour, a spilled bag of chocolate chips, and smears of whipped cream. Tubbo is mixing something furiously in a bowl while Ranboo rifles through the cabinets. They both look in equal disarray.

GRIAN

Hello there.

RANBOO/TUBBO

Hey.

GRIAN

That wasn’t creepy at all.

MUMBO

What are you guys making?

TUBBO

We are making… drumroll please…

Ranboo drums the table with his hands. A cloud of flour puffs up, and he coughs.

TUBBO

Bee n’ Boo Stacks!

GRIAN

Ooh!

MUMBO

Catchy.

TUBBO

A whole stack of chocolate pancakes, beautifully decorated, and just absolutely delicious. Delicious. Unreal.

RANBOO

Go us!

MUMBO

Er… I did have a question about the recipe you two submitted, though. Or, maybe more than one.

TUBBO

Hit us.

MUMBO

Alright. So it says—

TUBBO

That our stacks are super tasty?

MUMBO

Well, yeah, it does say that, but I really meant—

TUBBO

That they’re also really crunchy and cool?

MUMBO

Yes. It also says that.

GRIAN

What’s with the M&Ms?

RANBOO

M&Ms are beautiful. They’re fantastic. They’re little pieces of tasty crunchy Red 40 goodness. I would sacrifice my first-born child for M&Ms.

GRIAN

Do you need a whole family-size bag?

RANBOO

Of course! That is an essential part of the ingredients!

MUMBO

I’d also like to mention the box of cake—not pancake—cake mix. And the three eggs.

TUBBO

Flavour.

MUMBO

That’s… that’s, uh…

RANBOO

You heard the man. Flavor.

Tubbo makes a displeased face.

TUBBO

Ranboo, I said flavour.

RANBOO

That’s what I said? Flavor?

TUBBO

It’s flavour with a u, not your sad American “flavor.” You disgust me.

Ranboo lets out a heavy sigh.

RANBOO

Yeah, I get that a lot.

GRIAN

Okay. We’re just going to assume you know what you’re doing enough to not burn the kitchen down? Please? We just got this tent.

RANBOO

No, no, don't worry! We know exactly what we’re doing. See, look!

He holds up a whisk.

RANBOO

Found the stir stick.

MUMBO

A… stir stick?

TUBBO

You got a problem with that, big man? Huh? Mister mustache man?

MUMBO

Uh. No. Nope, none at all! You’re both doing perfectly fine, excellent even.

TUBBO

Good.

They stare at each other with a weird intensity. Mumbo is inching slightly behind Grian.

RANBOO

Tubbo, can you pass me two sticks of butter?

Tubbo stops staring at Mumbo to look at Ranboo, then at Grian with an expression of disgust.

TUBBO

Sticks. Can you believe him? He measures butter in sticks.

GRIAN

Ew.

TUBBO

I know, right! Americans.

RANBOO

Listen, I’m tall enough to pick both of you up. Don’t—don’t you test me. I’ll do it. I’ll throw you.

GRIAN

Ooooon that note, I think we're done here! Bye!

Grian pulls on Mumbo's arm and starts dragging him away.

TUBBO

Bye!

THE BAKERS' TENT - 11:00 AM

The contestants are cleaning up after presenting their signature bakes. Grian and Mumbo approach Joe, one of the contestants. He is wiping down his station with a (assumedly) clean cloth. A half-full glass of milky liquid with flecks of brown and yellow chunks sits in the middle of his table. He perks up as Grian and Mumbo approach.

JOE

Howdy!

GRIAN

Howdy!

MUMBO

So, Joe, how do you think the signature went?

JOE

Superb. Awesome. Superbly awesome. I only wish Cleo was here to see it.

GRIAN

Yeah, Cleo! She was supposed to be here, right? What happened?

JOE

Well, I’m not one hundred percent sure. But when I told her what I wanted to make she said it was “an affront to god” and “why in the nine hells would you do something like that.” So I have a pretty good guess.

GRIAN

Wise choice, Cleo. Wise choice.

MUMBO

You made a cinnamon coffee-flavored—remind me what you called it?

JOE

Bread milk.

MUMBO

Yes, how could I forget, a classic... bread milk. Of course. Can you tell us a bit about that?

GRIAN

Just a little bit. Like, how you made it, why you made it, maybe why you thought it was a good idea—

JOE

Certainly. Well, my invention was derived, birthed, you could say, from a desire to right a wrong in this cruel world. On one hand I have the tastiest bread known to mankind, and on the other I have the tastiest milk.

He gestures at both ingredients.

JOE

It’s a real shame, y’know, people like bread, and they like milk. But only in a specific way. You put ‘em together in a way that isn’t like that, and suddenly people start hatin’!

He takes a drink of the bread milk, maintaining an unnerving, unblinking eye contact. Once he finishes gulping down the whole thing, he slams the empty cup on the table.

JOE

I refuse to submit to the conformity of society! Milk bread is all fine and dandy, but bread milk is weird? An abomination?

He sighs and shakes his head.

JOE

Really makes ya think, doesn’t it. Really makes ya think.

GRIAN

Thank you, Joe. I think, for my own good and yours, we better move on to the next contestant.

THE BAKERS' TENT - 2:45 PM

TECHNOBLADE

Cowboy. Child. What is that.

SAPNAP

Chocolate pudding! My own secret recipe.

He attempts to stir the pudding and the bowl wobbles. The wooden spatula does not move.

TECHNOBLADE

We… are supposed to be making chocolate ganache.

TOMMY

Ganoosh, ganache, it’s just chocolate. It’s all the same, innit? Hey, Sap, I found some more sprinkles!

SAPNAP

Sweet!

He picks up a can of sprinkles and empties it into the bowl. Technoblade recoils.

TECHNOBLADE

That. That is violently American. And I’m American.

TOMMY

Boooo!

TECHNOBLADE

How did you even get it to that consistency? Like, it's genuinely impressive. I saw you open a pack of storebought pudding. There's no way you messed that up.

SAPNAP

It reminds you of home, right?

TECHNOBLADE

I hope the next I see you is in prison.

THE BAKERS' TENT - 4:00 PM

There is a lively atmosphere in the tent as bakers make their various creations, some edible and some not. Grian and Mumbo are talking as they approach the station of two contestants.

GRIAN

Alright, Mumbo, this is the only fully American team. Be careful, they're sensitive.

MUMBO

What?

GRIAN

Hello! Skeppy and Badboyhalo! Two perfectly normal, ordinary names—I think I should just learn to expect this at this point. What are you guys doing?

SKEPPY

Your m—

BADBOYHALO

MUFFINS! We're doing muffins! Skeppy, stop messing around and give me the flour, you muffinhead!

MUMBO

Oh.

SKEPPY

f*ck you!

MUMBO

Woah!

BADBOYHALO

Language!

MUMBO

Those—those are words. I just heard them, they’re definitely words.

GRIAN

You know, I think we’re just going to come back here.

Mumbo and Grian walk away from the two contestants, heading towards the front of the tent. As they leave, Skeppy throws a cup of flour onto Bad, who screams.

MUMBO

They’ve got the chocolate part, but… aren’t they supposed to be making a cake?

GRIAN

Mumbo, I think at this point we should be grateful that someone is actually baking.

THE BAKERS' TENT - 6:00 PM

PUFFY

Looks better than I thought it would.

TECHNOBLADE

Puffy?

PUFFY

Hey, Techno.

TECHNOBLADE

I didn’t know you knew how to bake.

PUFFY

Oh, I don’t.

TECHNOBLADE

Aren't you judgin' the competition?

PUFFY

I may not know about baking, but I sure know about eating. Plus, Niki said I had good taste.

TECHNOBLADE

Eh. I don't care enough to debate how valid that qualification is.

PUFFY

That’s a really interesting texture.

She stops and sighs. She picks up the fork again to poke at the cake. It sinks in and leaves a dent.

PUFFY

Technoblade.

TECHNOBLADE

Yes?

PUFFY

This isn’t buttercream.

TECHNOBLADE

Nope.

PUFFY

Technoblade.

TECHNOBLADE

Uh-huh.

PUFFY

What…

PUFFY

So, Techno. Tell me. What made you want to use dyed mashed potatoes instead of literally anything else?

TECHNOBLADE

Potatoes are cool. Pretty versatile vegetable.

PUFFY

That’s—that’s true. You’re one hundred percent correct on that. I’m just not sure…

She stops and sighs. She picks up the fork again to poke at the cake. It sinks in and leaves a dent.

PUFFY

This is a really chewy cake. You used potatoes in it too, didn’t you.

TECHNOBLADE

Mm, yeah. Potato starch. No flour.

PUFFY

No flour. You made a cake with no... Techno. What was Phil doing while you made this?

PUFFY

You know what? It’s creative. I’ll give you that.

TECHNOBLADE

I try.

Technoblade carries the “cake” back to his station. Puffy stares at the table where it sat. The fork is still gripped tightly in her hand.

PUFFY

This show’s budget has got to cover therapy.

THE BAKERS' TENT - 7:00 PM

The presentations of each team’s technical challenge are complete. The tent is emptying and the contestants are saying their goodbyes for the day. Their various creations of dubious quality have been left at their stations. Grian and Mumbo are back at the front of the tent, talking.

MUMBO

Wow. I don’t know what to say, just… wow.

GRIAN

You know, Mumbo, I completely agree.

MUMBO

The cake.

GRIAN

The pudding.

MUMBO

The... the... bread milk.

They both stare out into the distance, lost expressions on their faces.

GRIAN

Mmm. Today could have gone better.

MUMBO

Or look at it this way. It could have gone worse.

GRIAN

Watch out, or you’re going to jinx it.

MUMBO

Oops.

GRIAN

Well!

He claps his hands and smiles at the camera.

GRIAN

That was another episode of the Great British Bake-Off. A reminder that this is a special event episode, and next week we'll be back to featuring your favorite—and importantly, tasty—bakes.

MUMBO

Thanks for watching, and we'll see you next time.